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Raincoats_George comments on What is immediate red flag someone is not to be trusted?

Well the question is what is that friend doing that pisses you off? Is it something that could be corrected by approaching them about it and being honest? Or is it that your perception is perhaps at fault, in that you are only seeing the negative aspects of people for example.
When there’s some issue like that there is this compulsion to deal with it because otherwise it’s going to hang over us. The methods we use to deal with these problems are generally very poor approaches. We go bitch to other people. It feels good. You kind of catch a rush when you do it and it’s therapeutic to release a bit of the crap that was stored up. But it doesn’t last and it doesn’t fix the problem. If anything it warps relationships and you end up causing more problems as this approach spreads in your social circles and soon everyone is seeing it as the best means of dealing with conflict.
So what do you do. The first step is recognizing that this approach is not effective. You’re not properly dealing with issues by just bitching about it to others. Now breaking the habit can be tough but if you work at it you can make progress.
Ask yourself why you can’t just face that person and bring the issue to light right then and there. Why are we humans so dead set on avoiding any conflict? Some people go so far into passive aggression that they become warped little people that live in these manipulative fantasy worlds. There’s nothing healthy about that. It’s delusional.
Don’t fall into that trap. It’s time to grow a little hair on your chest and work at speaking up and facing people. It’s not easy. People get upset, they get loud, they may even hit you. But that is far better than the months and years that a problem can persist and get worse. Believe me I’ve confronted countless people and it was ugly, but generally it’s a short period of conflict and an issue gets a resolved. Versus all of that backhanded nonsense that just drags on and spreads around.
Now the other side of that is two fold. One, is it really that they are doing something wrong or do you have a flawed perception that focuses on the negative. This is another coping mechanism. You can sort of revel in the negativity and you get some degree of satisfaction out of it. It of course is fleeting and does not satisfy our deep rooted needs. And the second thing is just as I make sure I try to call people on their bullshit. I depend on others to do the same for me. We have blind spots. We just don’t catch ourselves doing some of the things that we do. It’s important that there are people in our lives who can call us on our shit. And the fun thing is. We react the same way. We get mad, we overreact and then we brood over it. But eventually you realize they were right, and you change.
That is how you strengthen relationships. That is how you grow closer to your friends and get through some tough shit. You gotta be willing to work on yourself and help out your friends when they are pulling some shit they just don’t realize. The problem is people just don’t want to put in that kind of effort. It’s laziness that makes for shitty social interaction. Be willing to invest in your friends and family and you will witness the Human capacity to grow and mature.

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