Long time reader, but this compelled me to write my first post.
I had returned home from a normal weekly business trip to spend the evening with my wife of 4 weeks (we had been dating for 6 yrs before the marriage) and some “new” friends of hers for drinks. During the course of the evening she became quite drunk, initiated a fight with me, and stormed out of the bar. I tried to pursue, but lost her in the crowd. Fearful for her safety, I contacted the few people in the group I knew, but no one knew where she was at. After searching for an hour, I decided to go home (mind you she had had a bad habit of blacking out since college so this behavior was not completely new). Not being able to sleep and somewhat angry, I went to her car early the next morning in hopes of confronting her. As I was rounding the corner on foot, I saw one of the new male friends dropping her off at the parking garage. From my vantage point I could not tell if he had leaned in for a friendly hug or was giving her a kiss. A cold chill ran down my spine. I would have liked to say I was angry, but it was more surreal than anything.
As he pulled away, I casually called out to her. She seemed surprised and immediately began a tale of losing her phone and how some of the new friends had found her drunk on their door step when they returned home from the bar. Not wanting me to worry, she had asked the gentlemen to drop her off so she could return home early. Having no proof to the contrary, I accepted the story as plausible. However, in the coming weeks, I noticed she became more and more secretive with her actions and phone in particular. Being in what I thought was a trusting relationship, I had honestly never looked at her phone. One night after she went to sleep, I was compelled I browsed through her texts. Everything looked fine. Out of pure chance, I typed the letter “v” into safari and it auto-populated with multiple search queries regarding how to identify venereal diseases. It occurred to me that she had been to see her OBGYN earlier that week. I became somewhat ill to think that my newly minted bride was having unprotected sex with this guy (who btw was in attendance at the wedding). However, I didn’t say a word, and continued to play oblivious.
The following day I consulted a close friend who was a computer programmer about retrieving deleted text messages. He provided me with a bootleg program that will pull a text file of all content from the trash bin on the Iphone. In an ominous foreboding tone, he said, “Be careful what you wish for…”
That evening after she went to sleep, I retrieved the erased data. On initial scan I found a myriad of texts between her and him regarding various sexual acts (anal sex in the work bathroom, BDSM, and getting turned on by one of his room mates watching them through an open door), drug use during the day, and coordinating meetups around my schedule. I began to shake and ran to restroom. I dry heaved for 15 minutes and was in complete shock.
After composing myself, I entered our bedroom, awoke her, and told her that I wanted to talk about my “fears” of infidelity. After letting her lie to me for 10 minutes I presented her with a highlighted stack of texts. She immediately began crying profusely and said that she had been under a lot of stress, that it was purely physical, and that it had only been going on for a few weeks. She said that she would end it tomorrow.
As to the venereal disease, she confirmed that she been having unprotected sex with him and that she had an infection that the doctor thought she should take a “precautionary” round of antibiotics. She said she would get the results of HIV and Herpes back the following day as well. Both of which we later learned were negative…So I had that going for me.
Being embarrassed by the brevity of the marriage and the thought of telling all of my family, I told her that I would attend counselling for one month and if I didn’t see any change, I wanted out. After a couple of weeks, I learned they were still seeing each other. I erupted and told her to move out by the first of the month. I cannot fully describe the convergence of anger, sadness, and confusion I felt by the whole matter.
As an epilogue, the only rewarding moment in the whole experience was after her being moved out for a month, I received a call from her father. He was confused why his daughter was still with them and why she and I had not tried to reconcile. He figured it was early marriage jitters. I politely told him, “It is over for good. I don’t think it is my place to discuss it further. In due time, she will tell you what happened.” He implored further and said that after he just footed the bill for a $50K wedding that someone owned him some answers. It occurred to me that I had been a man in asking his daughter’s hand in marriage and that I guess I should go out like a man. I agreed to meet with him and my mother in-law that evening.
After some small talk and avoidance, I finally came out and told them that she had cheated and that her drinking had escalated quite significantly. I express regret and thanked them for everything they had ever done for me. As they pressed more, I told them the cold hard facts….no embellishment just the facts. By the end of the conversation, they both hugged me and said repeatedly, “We love you. We don’t blame you, and we are sorry. We did not raise her to behave this way.”
As I was leaving, I had one of the most rewarding moments of my adult life. As some background, I grew up poor in a trailer and had come from very humble beginnings. My wife, conversely, was from “old money” and had spent her youth riding expensive horses and travelling the world. Therefore, her mother always had an aire that they were superior to me. However, in that moment as I departed, I saw a thought cross her mind as we embraced for the last time. I cannot be for certain, but I believe in that moment she thought, “Maybe the boy who was never good enough for our daughter is actually too good for her.”
A few years have passed and I have come to terms with the experience. I am much stronger and happier as a person. I have even had a few serious relationships (none of which have been marked by any residual issues with trust).