“But how exactly did Stephen Hawking become so smart in the first place?” You might be asking. Well, I’ll tell you.
I’m sure you have heard that when a person loses one of their 15 basic senses (taste, touch, smell, sound, sight, thought, libido, pride, revenge, fear of minorities, herpes, telekinesis, The Sixth Sense, entitlement, urinary burning), the other 14 become “heightened” or “more gooder.” The same principle applies to your muscles.
You see, the muscles that make up the legs (sartorious, gluteus, clitorus majorus, biceps femorus, quadriceps, vas deferens, triceps sorae, tina majorino, peroneus longus, tibialis anterior) account for over 80% of total muscle mass in the human body. Unfortunately, there is only a limited amount of blood in each of us, typically about 200 kilograms worth or, for us Americans, “two and a half of the big Mountain Dews” worth. This is where the problem comes in. In a cruel twist of creation, Jesus didn’t give us enough of his blood (that he made from wine coolers) to run all the muscles at peak output.
Think of it this way; your body is like a public school. Your muscles are students in this school. Your blood is like the teacher in this school. She is only one person. She knows she isn’t going to be able to properly educate all the students. She has to pick and choose which ones are the most important and deserve the majority of her time. The rest? She basically says “fuck em'” and gives the bare minumum of her abilities. So, your legs, since they are used to walk or “locomotivate” the body, get the most blood or “attention.” A muscle – like the brain – only gets what is needed for the bare minumum of survival.
Now, Mr. Hawking was born in 1942 during the height of the Vietnam War. The world needed smart people to figure out how to end this war, which had famously been started by Ghengis Khan twenty years earlier. Hawking’s parents made a bold decision. They decided Stephen would not be allowed to use his legs in an attempt to strengthen the brain muscle, thusly giving him the mental powers to, in the words of Abraham Lincoln, “End the terrible conflict with the sewer people of Vietnam.”
At first, the wizards suggested amputation of Hawking’s legs. This would have been the absolute best way of ensuring maximum blood flow away from his legs and into other parts of the body. This method was abandoned, however, as it was decided that he would “look too retarded” to be taken seriously. The next best way was to simply put rubber bands around his legs, limiting blood flow.
In the end, as we all know, this gamble paid off. Hawking’s brain muscle became much more powerful than the average person proving the hypothesis that leg usage was serving as a handicapping mechanism to higher brain function. By 1965, Hawking had helped to not only end the Vietnam conflict, but also to take down the Berlin Wall, fly a talking monkey into space, and introduce crack to inner cities in America as well as the United States.
One additional note: As a pleasant side-effect of the redistribution of blood flow in his body, Hawking’s penis is now capable of becoming 18 inches long and as wide in circumference as his calf muscle would have been had it grown normally!