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69 Uses for Toilet Paper

Toilet paper’s cheapness is a good thing.
  1. Dress as a mummy for Halloween.
  2. Distract your cat away from the good stuff.
  3. Use as stuffing paper for gift bags, packages.
  4. Masturbate into them. No more cum boxes.
  5. Buy them as passive aggressive retaliation against your brother(s) and/or sister(s).
  6. Buy them as passive aggressive retaliation against your parents.
  7. Buy them as passive aggressive retaliation against your roommates.
  8. Buy them as passive aggressive retaliation against yourself.
  9. Dress as a mummy any other day of the year.
  10. Coasters.
  11. Wipe up spilled liquids.
  12. Pick up dog poop.
  13. Confetti.
  14. Spitballs.
  15. Wipe up your sweaty armpits.
  16. Wipe the sweat off your feet.
  17. Stuff them into your wet shoes to absorb moisture.
  18. Wrap your friend into a mummy when they’re out of it.
  19. Cheap invitations. They’ll think you’re being cute.
  20. Drop two sheets from a window. First one to touch the ground wins and faces a new sheet. Repeat until you have a champion.
  21. Make imaginary friendships without leaving the house.
  22. Practice your drawing.
  23. Practice your handwriting.
  24. Practice your composing.
  25. Get off excess lipstick.
  26. A blindfold for the bedroom.
  27. Distract your kids.
  28. Tape one to your friend’s shoe.
  29. Tape one to Chad’s shoe.
  30. Clog that cheating whore’s toilet.
  31. Toilet paper someone’s house. 32 Get a fire going.
  32. Apply to a cut to stop the bleeding.
  33. Nose bleeds.
  34. Stuff them into your crotch when you’re feeling sad about your karma.
  35. Wipe eye goop off of your dog’s eyes.
  36. Wipe the tears away from your eyes when you watch The Notebook.
  37. Get gum off your shoe.
  38. Catch your clipped nails.
  39. Catch your shaved hair fuzz if you use an electric razor.
  40. Get makeup off.
  41. Get lipstick off your face before you come home.
  42. Wipe dog poop off your shoe.
  43. Tie one around your finger when you need to remember something. It’ll help.
  44. Throw some in your mother’s laundry when she grounds you.
  45. Use one to cover the toilet flush in a public restroom.
  46. Use them to cover the toilet seat in a public restroom.
  47. Clog the sinks after your boss fires you.
  48. Cut out mustaches. Tape them to your TV. Drink when someone gets a mustache.
  49. Stuff them into your bra when that bitch Kelly is going to be at that party.
  50. Stuff them into your ears on long plane rides.
  51. Stuff them into your nose on long plane rides.
  52. Use them to wipe the blood of your hands.
  53. Peasant scarf.
  54. Fashion clothes to an ABC party.
  55. When playing Truth or Dare, dare your crush to wear only toilet paper.
  56. Throw the rolls at Chad.
  57. Clean your glasses.
  58. Bookmarks.
  59. Use them as snow in your dioramas.
  60. Easy gum trashcan.
  61. Emergency booger catcher.
  62. Offer one to your date when she starts sniffing.
  63. Nail polish.
  64. Become Dumbledore.
  65. Pick up bugs.
  66. Wipe out earwax (but don’t go too deep!).
  67. Leave as a calling card whenever you free someone to the next life.
  68. Clean your fingernails.
  69. Use it as actual toilet paper.

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