Categories

# Humour

Sure, you say, the fact that the entire universe is a gigantic can of Spam seems intuitively obvious, but just how strong is the hard physical evidence for the Spam Can Totality? The answer is, of course, overwhelming; here are just a few proofs of the Spam Can Totality:
The first two subshells of an atom’s electron shells are called the “s” subshell and the “p” subshell; the first two letters of “Spam” are “s” and “p”–coincidence? I think not!
The mathematic constant e is approximately 19/7–but the letter “s”, the first letter of Spam, is the 19th letter of the alphabet and a can of Spam weighs 7 ounces! e is equal to the number of the first letter of Spam divided by the weight of Spam!
“Spam” has four letters: four is equal to 2+2, 2*2, and 2^2; four is obviously a representation of two twos–and 22/7 (two twos divided by the weight of Spam) is almost exactly equal to pi, yet another fundamental physical constant!
We showed how the length of the word “Spam” is a higher resonance of two–yet, incredibly, nondivergent forces such as electrostatic and gravitational forces decrease EXACTLY as the SECOND power of the radius!
According to the ancient science of numerology, words correspond to numbers according to the rule a=1, b=2, c=3…i=9,j=10,k=20,l=30…. using this technique, we find that the number of “Spam” is 211–and, incredibly, the mass of Spam in grams is 198. Now, 198/211 is equal to .938–which is the mass of the proton in GeV!
Lincoln had a secretary named “Kennedy” and Kennedy had a secretary named “Lincoln”!
In addition to the standard seven ounce size can of Spam, there are also larger, twelve-ounce cans available. While the seven-ounce cans are a long rectangle, the twelve-ounce cans are closer to being square–and twelve squared (144) minus seven (7) yields 137, the reciprocal of the fine structure constant! Only by accepting the truth of the SPAM CAN TOTALITY can one understand the true meaning and significance of the fine structure constant!
The SPAM CAN TOTALITY is the ultimate reality of the universe. Only by comprehending Spam can we hope to comprehend ourselves. Black holes are a hoax–because the universe is a can of Spam, only pink holes can exist! Only through Spam–the unification of physics, chemistry, and biology–can we understand the physical nature of the universe! The ubiquitous microwave background is, in fact, left-over energy from the original COSMIC CANNING EVENT! Matter is composed of fundamental quanta of Spam–while antimatter is none other than discrete quanta of anti-spam, also known as “Vegetarian Spam” or “Tofu”! The reason matter predominates over antimatter in the Spam Can Totality can be seen by looking in almost any grocery store–not only does Spam sell better than Tofu, Tofu expires in a matter of a week or two, while the expiration date on a can of Spam is years, even decades in the future!
The fact that the earth is made of matter–discrete quanta of Spam– explains everything about the earth, from its structure to the machanisms of continental drift and sea floor spreading. If you leave the contents of a can of Spam on your counter for a few days, it will automatically form a crust–much like the earth’s! Soon, this crust will form cracks, just like the mid-Atlantic ridge on our own planet, and things will begin to grow on it–just like the development of life on earth, only with greater speed, owing to the fact that the earth is somewhat larger than most cans of Spam. Even the growth of the higher animals will be simulated in this Spam microcosm, through the process of Spontaneous Maggot Materialization (patent pending)!
I, therefore, demand that from this day forth, elements shall be called by their proper Spam-based names. No longer will foolish scientists refer to the first element as “hydrogen,” instead they shall call it “Spam.” “Beryllium” shall henceforth be known only as “spam, eggs, sausage, and spam”; and the 94th element shall forevermore be called “spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, baked beans, and spam.” (If Baked Beans are off, Spam may be substituted.)
The now obsolete Nobel Corporation will be replaced with the Spam Can Foundation. Dedicated to furthering Spam knowledge, the Spam Can Foundation will give an annual prize to the person with the most spamlike brain–but this prize shall not be mere money, but something far greater: immortality! The individual selected for this prestigious award shall be sealed in a rectangular tin in which he or she will remain fresh and unspoiled for eternity. No doubt there are many people you will wish to nominate for this award, so be sure to forward their names and addresses, along with the hours they are normally sleeping to this foundation.
May Spam be with you.
Q: What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean? A: A good start!
Q: How can you tell when a lawyer is lying? A: His lips are moving.
Q: What’s the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer    in the road? A: There are skid marks in front of the dog.
Q: Why won’t sharks attack lawyers? A: Professional courtesy.
Q: What do have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand? A: Not enough sand.
Q: How do you get a lawyer out of a tree? A: Cut the rope.
Q:  Do you know how to save a drowning laywer? A1: Take your foot off his head. A2: No.     Good!
Q: What’s the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of shit? A: The bucket.
Q: What is the definition of a shame (as in “that’s a shame”)? A: When a busload of lawyers goes off a cliff.
Q: What is the definition of a “crying shame”? A: There was an empty seat.
Q: What can a goose do, a duck can’t, and a lawyer should? A: Stick his bill up his ass.
Q: What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer? A: An offer you can’t understand
Q. Why is it that many lawyers have broken noses? A. From chasing parked ambulances.
Q. Where can you find a good lawyer? A. In the cemetary
Q. What’s the difference between a lawyer and a gigolo? A. A gigolo only screws one person at a time.
Q. What’s the difference between a lawyer and a vampire? A. A vampire only sucks blood at night.
Q. Why to lawyers wear neckties? A. To keep the foreskin from crawling up their chins.
Q. What is the difference between a lawyer and a rooster? A. When a rooster wakes up in the morning, its primal urge is to cluck defiance.
Q. How many law professors does it take to change a light bulb? A. Hell, you need 250 just to lobby for the research grant.
Q:  If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why don’t you swerve to hit him? A:  It might be your bicycle.
“There’s no such thing as a tough child — if you parboil them first for seven hours, they always come out tender.”
“At one point we decided to fight fire with fire… Well… basically… your house burned even faster.”
“Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons.” Popular Mechanics.
Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943 “I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.”
The graduate with a Science degree asks, “Why does it work?”  The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, “How does it work?”  The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, “How much will it cost?”  The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks, “Do you want mustard with that?”
Lord, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; the courage to change the things I can; and the wisdom to hide the bodies of the people I had to kill because they pissed me off.
With proper diet, rest, and exercise a healthy body will last a lifetime.
You couldn’t get a clue during the clue mating season in a field full of horny clues if you smeared your body with clue musk and did the clue mating dance.
A Conformist: If there is anything the nonconformist hates worse than a conformist it’s another nonconformist who doesn’t conform to the prevailing standards of nonconformity.
“Consumer’s Guide”, Sears, Roebuck and Co. (1897) If you don’t find it in the Index, look very carefully through the entire catalogue.
Adjust the tint on your tv so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you “like it that way”.
Drum on every available surface.
Sing the Batman theme incessantly.
Staple papers in the middle of the page.
Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI copy warnings.
Sew anti-theft detector strips into people’s backpacks.
Hide dairy products in inaccessible places.
Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page.
Specify that your drive-through order is “to go”.
Set alarms for random times.
Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of “Beeeep Bip Bip Beeeep Bip…”
Buy large quantities of mint dental floss just to lick the flavor off.
Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon.
Instead of Gallo, serve Night Train next Thanksgiving.
Leave your Nine Inch Nails tape in Great Uncle Ed’s stereo, with the volume properly adjusted.
Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a “croaking” noise.
Honk and wave to strangers.
Dress only in clothes colored Hunter’s Orange.
Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.
Tape pieces of “Sweating to the Oldies” over climactic parts of rental movies.
Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complementary mints by the cash register.
Begin all your sentences with “ooh la la!”
Rouse your roommates from slumber each morning with Lou Reed’s “Metal Machine Music”.
Leave someones printer in compressed-italic-cyrillic-landscape mode.
ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE.
only type in lowercase.
dont use any punctuation either
Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.
Pay for your dinner with pennies.
Tie jingle bells to all your clothes.
Repeat everything someone says, as a question.
Write “X – BURIED TREASURE” in random spots on all of someone’s roadmaps.
Inform everyone you meet of your personal Kennedy assasination/UFO/OJ Simpson conspiracy theories.
Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: “Do you hear that?” “What?” “Never mind, it’s gone now.”
Light road flares on a birthday cake.
Wander around the restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley.
Leave tips in Bolivian currency.
Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.
At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks.
When Christmas carolling, sing “Jingle Bells, Batman smells” until physically restrained.
Wear a cape that says “Magnificent One”.
As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
Stand over someone’s shoulder, mumbling, as they read.
Finish the 99 bottles of beer song.
Sing the “This is the song that never ends…” song. (Ya know, Lamb Chops?)
Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.
Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce “no, wait, I messed it up”, and repeat.
Drive half a block.
Inform others that they exist only in your imagination.
Ask people what gender they are.
Reply to everything someone says with “that’s what YOU think.”
Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts back in the tray.
Cultivate a Norwegian accent. If Norwegian, affect a Southern Drawl.
Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a “real hoot”.
Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious that you don’t want to fall off “in case the big one comes”.
Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with a can of Lysol.
Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers’ brains, such as “Feliz Navidad”, the Archies’ “Sugar” or the Mr. Rogers theme song.
Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day.
Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September.
Change your name to John Aaaaasmith for the great glory of being first in the phone book. Claim it’s a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each A.
Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
Chew on pens that you’ve borrowed.
Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.
Wear a LOT of cologne.
Listen to 33rpm records at 45rpm speed, and claim the faster speed is necessary because of your “superior mental processing”.
Sing along at the opera.
At a golf tournament, chant “swing-batatatatatata-suhWING-batter!”
Finish all your sentences with the words “in accordance with prophesy”.
Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn’t rhyme.
Incessantly recite annoying phrases, such as “sticky wicket isn’t cricket.”
Stare at static on the tv and claim you can see a “magic picture.”
Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.
Scuff your feet on a dry, shaggy carpet and seek out victims.
Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you’ll be saying more any moment.
Never make eye contact.
Never break eye contact.
Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.
Construct elaborate “crop circles” in your front lawn.
Construct your own pretend “tricorder,” and “scan” people with it, announcing the results.
Give a play-by-play account of a person’s every action in a nasal Howard Cosell voice.
Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
Make appointments for the 31st of September.
Invite lots of people to other people’s parties.
Send fifty copies of this list to everyone you know.
Lost: small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family.
A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by waitresses in appetizing forms.
Dinner Special — Turkey \$2.35; Chicken or Beef \$2.25; Children \$2.00.
For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.
For sale: a quilted high chair that can be made into a table, pottie chair, rocking horse, refrigerator, spring coat, size 8 and fur collar.
Four-poster bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover.
Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.
Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory.
Wanted: Unmarried girls to pick fresh fruit and produce at night.
We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.
No matter what your topcoat is made of, this miracle spray will make it really repellent.
For Sale. Three canaries of undermined sex.
For Sale — Eight puppies from a German Shepperd and an Alaskan Hussy.
Great Dames for sale.
Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.
Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.
20 dozen bottles of excellent Old Tawny Port, sold to pay for charges, the owner having lost sight of, and bottled by us last year.
Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.
Vacation Special: have your home exterminated.
If you think you’ve seen everything in Paris, visit the Pere Lachasis Cemetery. It boasts such immortals as Moliere, Jean de la Fontain, and Chopin.
Mt. Kilimanjaro, the breathtaking backdrop for the Serena Lodge. Swim in the lovely pool while you drink it all in.
The hotel has bowling alleys, tennis courts, comfortable beds, and other athletic facilities.
Get rid of aunts: Zap does the job in 24 hours.
Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast.
Sheer stockings. Designed for fancy dress, but so serviceable that lots of women wear nothing else.
Stock up and save. Limit: one.
Save regularly in our bank. You’ll never reget it.
We build bodies that last a lifetime.
Offer expires December 31 or while supplies last.
This is the model home for your future. It was panned by Better Homes and Gardens.
For Sale–Diamonds \$20; microscopes \$15.
For Rent: 6-room hated apartment.
Man, honest. Will take anything.
Wanted: chambermaid in rectory. Love in, \$200 a month. References required.
Wanted: Part-time married girls for soda fountain in sandwich shop.
Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.
Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!
Modular Sofas. Only \$299. For rest or fore play.
Wanted: Hair-cutter. Excellent growth potential.
Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.
3-year-old teacher need for pre-school. Experience preferred.
Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included.
Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops.
Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you’ll never go anywhere again.
Wanted: Preparer of food. Must be dependable, like the food business, and be willing to get hands dirty.
Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross and salary.
Wanted. Widower with school-age children requires person to assume general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth of family.
Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating.
Mother’s helper–peasant working conditions.
Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale.
And now, the Superstore–unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience.
Ladies and gentlemen, now you can have a bikini for a ridiculous figure.
Be with us again next Saturday at 10 p.m. for “High Fidelity,” designed to help music lovers increase their reproduction.
When you are thirsty, try 7-Up,the refreshing drink in the green bottle with the big 7 on it and u-p after.
Tune in next week for another series of classical music programs from the Canadian Broadcorping Castration.
Let’s face it — English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren’t invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren’t sweet, are meat.
We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
And why is it that writers write but fingers don’t fing, grocers don’t groce and hammers don’t ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn’t the plural of booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices?
Doesn’t it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend, that you comb through annals of history but not a single annal? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?
If teachers taught, why didn’t preacher praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? If you wrote a letter, perhaps you bote your tongue?
Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell? Park on driveways and drive on parkways?
How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and wise guy are opposites? How can overlook and oversee be opposites, while quite a lot and quite a few are alike? How can the weather be hot as hell one day and cold as hell another.
Have you noticed that we talk about certain things only when they are absent? Have you ever seen a horseful carriage or a strapful gown? Met a sung hero or experienced requited love? Have you ever run into someone who was combobulated, gruntled, ruly or peccable? And where are all those people who ARE spring chickens or who would ACTUALLY hurt a fly?
You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which an alarm clock goes off by going on.
English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race (which, of course, isn’t a race at all). That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible. And why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up this essay, I end it.
BOBBIT VIRUS:  Removes a vital part of your hard disk then re-attaches it. Unfortunately, the area is permanently disabled.
OPRAH WINFREY VIRUS:  Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands back to 200MB.
AT&T VIRUS:  Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.
MCI VIRUS:  Every three minutes it reminds you that you’re paying too much for the AT&T virus.
PAUL REVERE VIRUS:  This revolutionary virus does not horse around.  It warns you of impending hard disk attack—once if by LAN, twice if by C:>.
POLITICALLY CORRECT VIRUS:  Never calls itself a “virus”, but instead refers to itself as an “electronic microorganism.”
RIGHT TO LIFE VIRUS:  Won’t allow you to delete a file, regardless of how old it is. If you attempt to erase a file, it requires you to first see a consultant about possible alternatives.
ROSS PEROT VIRUS: Activates every component in your system, just before the whole damn thing quits.  Can be known upon its actual attack by its distinctive sound:  a giant sucking sound.
TED TURNER VIRUS:  Colorizes your monochrome monitor.
ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER VIRUS: Terminates your session and then disappears.  It’ll be back.
DAN QUAYLE VIRUS:  Prevents your system from spawning any child process without joining a binary network.
DAN QUAYLE VIRUS #2:  Thers sumthin rong wit yur komputer, butt ewe jsut cant figyour it out!
GOVERNMENT ECONOMIST VIRUS:  Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.
NEW WORLD ORDER VIRUS:  Probably harmless, but it makes a lot of people get really mad just thinking about it.
FEDERAL BUREAUCRAT VIRUS:  Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of your computer.
GALLUP VIRUS:  Sixty percent of the PCs infected will lose 38 percent of their data 14 percent of the time – plus or minus a 3.5 percent margin of error.
TEXAS VIRUS:  Makes sure that it’s bigger than any other file.
ADAM AND EVE VIRUS:  Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple.
CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS:  The computer locks up, screen splits erratically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem.
AIRLINE VIRUS:  You’re in Dallas, but your data ends up in Singapore.
FREUDIAN VIRUS:  Your computer becomes obsessed with its own motherboard.
PBS VIRUS:  Your programs stop every few minutes asking for more money.
ELVIS VIRUS:  Makes your computer get fat and lazy, then self destructs – only to resurface at shopping malls and service stations across America.
OLLIE NORTH VIRUS:  Causes your printer to suddenly become a paper shredder.
NIKE VIRUS:  Just does it.
RING…… RING…… RING…… CLICK Recording – “Hello, Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline.” If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly. If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2. If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6. If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line until we can trace the call. If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press. If you are manic-depressive, it doesn’t matter which number you press. No one will answer.
“I have traveled the length and breadth of this country and talked with the  best people, and I can assure you that data processing is a fad that won’t  last out the year.”      –The editor in charge of business books for Prentice Hall, 1957
“But what … is it good for?”      –Engineer at the Advanced Computing Systems Division of IBM,        1968,  commenting on the microchip.
“There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.”      –Ken Olson, president, chairman and founder of Digital
“This ‘telephone’ has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a  means of communication. The device is inherently of no value to us.”      –Western Union internal memo, 1876.
“Professor Goddard does not know the relation between action and reaction and  the need to have something better than a vacuum against which to react. He  seems to lack the basic knowledge ladled out daily in high schools.”      –1921 New York Times editorial about Robert Goddard’s        revolutionary rocket work.
“Airplanes are interesting toys but of no military value.”      –Marechal Ferdinand Foch, Professor of Strategy, Ecole        Superieure de  Guerre.
“Everything that can be invented has been invented.”      –Charles H. Duell, Commissioner, U.S. Office of Patents, 1899.